There are many many thoughts, emotions and fears that go through a persons mind throughout the day. I am going to share with you some of what makes me who I am, they don't define me, but at the same time, these thoughts do run amok in my head. I thought I would share some of my crazy fears.
People who know me, know that I live with huge fears. Sometimes I am surprised I leave the house at all.
I don't know if people are born worriers or if it is a learned way of thinking or viewing the world around you. Either way, my fears have had a huge impact on my life. I guess I will break my top 3 fears down and give you the scoop of how they effect me and how I attempt to deal.
1. The plane crash. My fear of flying is so great that it almost cripples my life. Let me breakdown the whole experience from my perspective.
PRE FLIGHT
The day before I have to fly somewhere, I start wishing like hell that I never agreed to go on the trip in the first place. I debate with myself if there is anything I can do or say to get out of going on an airplane. This debate turns into anger at myself and those who have asked me to go somewhere on the plane. Whether it be going to visit friends, family or a "super fun" vacation, I begin to hate to person who invited me. Or I hate myself for agreeing to be a part of the whole bad idea.
Next, I generally begin calling my parents, family and loved ones to tell them my goodbyes...just in case. I call to tell them I am leaving and I love them more than anything. This causes me so much sadness that it replaces the anger I had earlier in the day.
GETTING TO THE AIRPORT
Once I get to the airport, I literally lay down on the floor of the airport before I board, sprawl out, close my eyes and begin praying over and over again. Something to the effect of "dear God, please do not let me die today. I am not ready to die and I do not want to die like this. Please protect me and get me safely to my destination". I follow it with Hail Mary's and Our Fathers until I have to board the plane.
BOARDING
Now when it is time to board, it is as if I am standing in line like cattle going to a slaughter. I just stand, slowly inching forward wondering to myself "why the hell am I volunteering to die"? Once I reach the actual plane, before i get onto the death trap, I have to touch the outside of the plane and repeat the same prayers i said while lying on the floor of the airport. Allow me to reiterate that all these minor actions of getting on the plane might seem like nothing more than routine to the flying enthusiast but is quite actually the most stressful moments I can actually experience. My head during all of this feels like it might actually explode. By the time I sit in my stupid, small seat, stuck next to the stranger I was meant to meet my maker with, my brain hurts so bad I want to start screaming. But I don't because I realize the scene I will make. I silently endure the feeling of a person holding a gun against my head.
THE FLIGHT
Take off is met with prayers and tears all silently with my eyes closed. I do not open my eyes until I can tell the plane has stopped climbing. Now each flight is different, I have been on some flights where there was no turbulence. I did pretty darn well on that flight, minus the sweaty pits, palms tight over the arm rests. Other flights, I have stood up screaming during a storm we were caught in. Like I said, each flight is different. The worst flight I ever took was the one from Los Angeles to Japan. I began throwing up before getting on the plane and continued to throw up every 10 minutes for 10 hours straight. I shit you not! I am not sure how I survived without IVs stuck in every vein but I just sat in my seat, throwing up into little baggies for 10 hours.
Here I am inbetween puking sessions.
And here is my dear friend holding a baggy of puke...poor guy had to sit next to me through the entire flight. Needless to say, this was the last time we sat next to each other for the rest of the trip to Thailand.
LANDING
This is the happiest moment of my existence. Knowing I did not die against all the odds that could have brought the plane down brings me more relief than I could ever express. I have cried tears of joy upon decent and even fell to my knees after getting off the plane.
So anyways, despite my very real fear of flying, I continue to go travel. Rationally, I understand that this fear is pointless. I am causing myself to be sick and feel such an immense amount of stress and for what purpose? Fear has got me by the balls at times and no matter how I try to rationalize the fact that fear is only in my head, I just cant seem to let it go. Such is my life I guess.
